I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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