Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize