Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
