How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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