i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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