I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
the liver wants what the liver wants
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
