What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize