this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
