i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
