I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
