First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
