I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
