I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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