I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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