Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
