You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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