I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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