I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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