there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
