i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
