I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
wanna go halves on a baby?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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