Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize