You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize