"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
