id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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