i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
