U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think your dad took our porno
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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