He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
