Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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