I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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