So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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