I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
