I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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