I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
