sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
