Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
