fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
