I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize