I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
