How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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