Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize