I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
now i know why i became what i already was.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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