hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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