I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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