I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Congratulations! We have a period
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
