ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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