My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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