I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
