we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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