Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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