Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize