Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
