btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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