You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
