He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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