Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
