I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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