She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
