I'm going to rape someone's good day.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
