I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
