come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
