We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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