Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
