there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
