Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
After tacos, we're chasing women.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He's on the porch naked. Help.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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