I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
