my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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