Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
