And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
