He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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