mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
