I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
